you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
