Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize