Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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