I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
