apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
