Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
