She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish I only lived at night.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
