just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
