just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
