If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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