You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
