i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
