Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
