her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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