take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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