i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
