I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
