The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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