I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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