Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
