it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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