I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
