if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
