Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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