Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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