I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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