apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
