the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
