I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How does one acquire holy water?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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