Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
