My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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