Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
