Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
