When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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