I want to have your abortion
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I understand Curling. That high.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
