My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
