you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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