It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
