i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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