I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
