The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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