Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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