worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
