this beer tastes like vomit already
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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