Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
