true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
