found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I want a musical about memes.
PANTIES FOUND
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