I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
