I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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