you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
