got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize