i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
