someone owes me an orgasm
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
