Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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