I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
