I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
