Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
