but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
