she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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