How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
