sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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