Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize